WORLD RELIEVED AFTER ARREST OF ALT-RIGHT TERRORIST KINGPIN LEADER BAKED ALASKA

Desecrator of Democracy: Baked Alaska 

The World, collectively and metaphorically, breathed a sigh of relief today following the arrest of the terrorist kingpin leader known as "Baked Alaska."

For several days, Alaska, whose real name is Tim Gionet, has been "America's most wanted," after the Alt-Right's failed attempt to seize power in a recent bloody coup backfired.

Five people died in that incident, which also resulted in the trashing of Nancy Pelosi's office and some of Alexandria Ocasio Cortez's shoes going missing. 

Alaska is not directly implicated in any of the deaths, three of which were Trump supporters having heart attacks, one was a Trump supporter getting gunned down for no reason at all, while the other was a Trump-supporting policeman having a stroke the day after the attempted bloody coup. But Alaska's potential for mayhem and madness could so easily have led to hundreds more dying.

Details are scant at the moment, but according to Associated Press, the dangerous outlaw was finally arrested by FBI agents in Houston on Saturday following a nationwide hunt. The AP report continues:

Gionet faces charges of violent and disorderly conduct on Capitol grounds and knowingly entering a restricted building without lawful authority, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.

Court documents don’t list an attorney for Gionet or say where he is being held. The jail in Harris County, which includes Houston, didn’t immediately reply to phone messages seeking further information.

FBI Special Agent Nicole Miller said in an affidavit filed in the case that Gionet streamed live for about 27 minutes from inside the Capitol and could be heard encouraging other protesters not to leave, cursing and saying "I’m staying," "1776 baby," and "I won’t leave guys, don’t worry."

She wrote that Gionet entered various offices and when told by law enforcement officers to move, identified himself as a member of the media. Miller wrote that Gionet then asked officers where to go before cursing a law officer while alleging the officer shoved him, then leaving the building.

Gionet also posted video that showed Trump supporters in “Make America Great Again” and “God Bless Trump” hats milling around inside the Capitol and taking selfies with officers who calmly asked them to leave the premises. The Trump supporters talked among themselves, laughed, and told the officers and each other, “This is only the beginning.”

A highly trained FBI SWAT team. A similar force may have been used in the arrest of Baked Alaska

Alaska is believed to be part of a particularly insane and violent wing of the Alt-Right, known as the "Grift Right" or simply "Grifters." 

While the ultimate goals of these desperate individuals remain unclear, they have been implicated in some of the worst live-streaming atrocities known to man. But with the loss of their evil leader, a major blow has been struck for the forces of law and order.

We can all sleep safer in our beds now that this menace to our free and fair elections and our peaceful democracy is off our streets and finally behind bars where he truly belongs.