LABOUR LEADERSHIP CANDIDATES ANNOUNCED IN FULL -- CAN BRITAIN SURVIVE THIS DELUGE OF TALENT?

No true democracy can function without a strong opposition party in Parliament, so, following its narrow election defeat where it only lost by 124 seats, the British Labour Party has decided it is time to elect a new dynamic leader to replace Jeremy Corbyn. 

Here we take a quick look at the MPs who have thrown their hats into the ring for this epic struggle between political titans, some of whom have even held waved pieces of paper and shouted loudly in the House of Commons.

Clive Lewis

Current role: Shadow Treasury minister and MP for Norwich South

Background: A former BBC journalist, Lewis has long experience of politics, having been an MP since 2015

On Corbyn: He said Corbyn's failure was down to him not fulfilling his promise to fully democratise the party by giving votes to leeches, cockroaches, house flies, and children between the ages of 12 and 14.

On Brexit: He was a Remain supporter and a member of “Love Socialism, Hate Brexit” a group of left-wing, pro-EU MPs. He has been a vocal supporter of a second, third, fourth, and fifth, sixth, and seventh Brexit referendum.

Other things of note: He has promised to transform the party and "unleash" the Labour movement, by offering a "vision for the country of lots of people merging to form one giant socialist person with my face on the front."

Rebecca Long-Bailey

Current role: Shadow business secretary and MP for Salford and Eccles Cakes

Background: A former call centre worker, Long-Bailey knows how to work a telephone and has been an MP since 2015 

On Corbyn: She is the closest candidate to the outgoing leader, and is supported by all the same terrorist groups that supported him. 

On Brexit: She was not a prominent supporter of Labour's second Brexit referendum policy but has since said that any number of referendums would be great "if you vote for me."

Other things of note: As she is from Manchester, there is a high probability that she was hit by a tram at some stage.

Lisa Nandy

Current role: MP for Wigan

Background: A true veteran, Ms Nandy was elected to Parliament in 2010, just when the last Labour government was being kicked out. 

On Corbyn: She previously resigned from several shadow Cabinet positions in protest at Corbyn leadership, but, as a female MP, she was always given a new one the next day. 

On Brexit: A dangerous radical who opposes Labour's  plan to have a second Referendum. This means that there are literally tens of thousands of people in her own party who think she is Hitler and want to kill her. 

Other things of note: She said "too many people no longer feel they have a voice in our national story so they should learn how to mime." 

Jess Phillips

Current role: MP for Birmingham Yardley

Background: Elected in 2015, Phillips has never had a real job and has instead worked for charities, checking the coin slots in collection tins. 

On Corbyn: Ms Phillips has been a long-term critic of Corbyn because he is not a loud, obnoxious woman from the English midlands.

On Brexit: Her position here entirely depends on the phases of the Moon.

Other things of note: Despite being a relatively recent addition to the party, and having never held a frontbench role, she has become a high profile Labour politician. This may be because she is the visual equivalent of nails scraping on a blackboard.

"Sir" Keir Starmer

Current role: Shadow secretary of state for exiting and then reentering the EU, MP for Holborn and St Pancras. 

Background: Sir Keir is a fake knight who got his "Sir" title for his lawyer work for the last Labour government. He became the MP for Holborn and St Pancras in 2015.

On Corbyn: He tried to get rid of Corbyn in 2016 by supporting the unsuccessful leadership bid of Owen Smith. Since then, he has pretended to have always supported Corbyn in order to pick up some Labour Party votes.

On Brexit: His slogan is "Let's get Bremain done." 

Other things of note: Bookies' favourite because he can walk more than five yards in a suit without falling over or leaving a trail of slime. 

Emily Thornberry

Current role: Shadow foreign secretary and MP for Islington South and Finsbury

Background: The most experienced and therefore the most hated politician in the list of candidates. Elected in 2005, possibly during an eclipse.

On Corbyn: Corbyn loyalist during his time as leader but strangely disinterested now that Corbyn is a washed-up old, has-been. Won't return his calls.

On Brexit: A staunch remainer she lives in a fantasy World where Britain is still a member of the E.U. and French people boss it around.

Other things of note: The apparent denseness of her brain has led to several Chinese mining companies drilling exploratory holes into her head.

Become a Patron!