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Police in the USA are looking for a man described as a "prominent movement Conservative with pronounced Judayo-Christian values" who is reported to have stolen most of the Alt-Right's clothes while the once important dissident movement was having yet another "same-sex" orgy at their favourite bathhouse. 

One Alt-Right leader told the media that he was just climbing into the "pegging chair" when he caught a glimpse of Kirk through the bathhouse window, making off with all their clothes including their much-cherished race realist insights and their almost priceless Great Replacement theory. 

"Now I have absolutely nothing to wear this Winter except my flimsy Savitri Devi saree. I expect I will probably freeze to death this Winter unless some big brawny stormtrooper can come and keep me and my dog warm." 

Kirk, who has formerly dressed himself in dull and unappealing conservative togs, rather like a golfing caddy, is now believed to be openly sporting the radical new "race realist" attire on his popular podcast where he said:

"The other side has openly admitted that this is about bringing in voters that they want and they like, and, honestly, diminishing and decreasing White demographics in America."

This is exactly the same thing the Alt-Right has been saying for years, although in slightly higher-pitched voices.

Another tearful Alt-Righter with an obviously made-up name recorded an hour-long live stream from his "same-sex" wank cave, lamenting that without his race realism undergarments there was really no reason to live.

"But at least I still have my secret love of Hitler. Luckily Charlie Kirk failed to steal that precious family heir-loom."

Staff at the bathhouse insisted that the crime was not their fault as it is the duty of all patrons to safely lock up their clothes in the lockers provided before engaging in their same-sex activities.

"Luckily the thief didn't steal all the clothes," the manager said. "He dropped a pair of cat ears, which we have now reunited with its rightful owner who was extremely grateful."


Alt-Righter leader Richard Spencer was not present at this particular "same-sex" orgy, as he was busy looking after another man's children. 

Nevertheless he was keen to have his say:

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