DEADLY ONE-EYED TROUSER SNAKE ESCAPES FROM ZOO

Do not approach, touch, or stroke rhythmically

Police are on the hunt for a deadly, one-eyed trouser snake after it escaped from the local zoo. The snake, who answers to the name of "Rupert," has only one eye and a small pair of trousers which it never wears. 

He was last seen slithering down the high street in a southerly direction. 

Members of the public have been warned not to approach the dangerous reptile and to call the police, who will come and humanely shoot it. Even skilled and experienced handlers have been known to go blind from stroking this snake.

The one-eyed trouser snake's favourite diet are cunt weevils and panty mice so anyone keeping these as pets should be particularly vigilant.