UNDENIABLE PROOF THERE IS A GOD: ED SHEERHAN TO STOP RELEASING MUSIC

The musical equivalent of tofu

Just when we were starting to think we were merely a collection of meaningless biological impulses living out a brief and pointless existence on a random piece of rock orbiting a nondescript sun, undeniable proof has now emerged that there is a God and life is not in fact a sucking vacuum of nihilism. 

As reported by Sky News:

Ed Sheeran has announced he is taking a break from releasing new music.

The singer said he had been working "non-stop" since releasing his hit album Divide in 2017, which included chart toppers Castle On The Hill, Shape Of You and Galway Girl.

The Divide period and tour, which beat a record set by U2 of being the most attended and highest-grossing of all time, "changed my life in so many ways", he wrote in an Instagram post published on Christmas Eve. "But now it's all over, it's time to go out and see some more of the world," he continued.

Sheeran, who is worth an estimated £160m, said he was "just gonna take a breather to travel, write and read" and pledged to stay off social media "until it's time to come back".

This is incontrovertible proof of a Supreme Deity who is not only benign and has "based" musical tastes, but is prepared to intervene in the sublunary world to save mankind from the worst excesses of the evil music industry. 

Of course it would have been more impressive for God to have simply eradicated Sheerhan and his vomit-inducing industrial output of musical tofu with an extremely large lightning bolt, but I'll happily take this for now in the hope that this is the last we will ever of this hobbit-faced musical monstrosity. 


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