KEBAB TO BE FINALLY REMOVED FROM EUROPE

Doner kebabs, the "mystery meat" fast food associated with Muslim migrants across Europe, are set to be removed from sale after legislation was put forward by the European Union to ban them because of their connection to heart disease.

There, that has got to be the most disappointing first sentence ever after such a promising headline! Sorry...

But, still, this is good news, and, who knows, it might even be a premonition of things to come, when Europeans and non-Europeans will peacefully go their separate ways in the lands that history has designated for each.

But back to the minor "food news" story that this has sadly become, the reason that doner kebabs cause heart disease is because of the high amounts of phosphates that they contain, which are vital to preserving the "mystery meat" for the long periods of time it is left lying around in fly-blown kebab shops, many of which have poor hygiene. 

A recent story in the Daily Mirror, a leftist newspaper that is extremely sympathetic to Muslims, uncovered the following horrors:

"A doner kebab supplier has been mashing up out-of-date meat in a converted building site concrete mixer. Food hygiene inspectors were appalled to find six tonnes of chicken and other poultry - all unfit for human consumption - packed into a freezer."

Without the phosphates, the health risks would be even greater, with a probable outbreak of food poisoning on an industrial scale and a massive increase in the global population of maggots.

Phosphorus is used to make chemicals for use in industry and warfare, with phosphorus weapons being considered particularly deadly due to the severe burns they inflict. The most important use of phosphates, however, is in the production of fertilisers for agriculture. Either way, it doesn't exactly sound like something you want too much of in the human body.

Ironically the present attempt to ban kebabs came after the EU’s executive Commission proposed to officially authorise the use of phosphates in kebab meat, only for the proposal to run into trouble in the European Parliament, where the Paliamentary Health Committee voted 32-22 to oppose it. 

A full vote by the Parliament in two weeks is likely to send the issue back to the Commission, which will be forced to offer amended legislation banning the kebab.

According to the Frankfurter Rundschau newspaper, there are 16,000 doner restaurants in Germany, most of which could be put out of business by the outlawing of the phosphate-laced delicacy, causing an enormous negative impact on the kebab economy as well as the "mystery meat" foodstuff itself.