"FIRST BRITON" REVEALED TO HAVE A MULLET

Idiots on social media were yesterday calling for all British people to grow their hair out and get a "mullet cut" after it was revealed that Cheddar Man -- the earliest known inhabitant of the British Isles -- had a distinct mullet hairstyle.

The earth-shattering discovery came after scientists extracted DNA from the bones of Cheddar Man, whose name comes from the site of his 1903 discovery in Cheddar Gorge, Somerset.

Using new, cutting-edge DNA and facial reconstruction techniques, the scientists were able to reconstruct what Cheddar Man actually looked like, creating a waxwork head that could be photographed and shown on television.

Living around 10,000 years ago, it is believed that this ancient ancestor of all British people had dark skin and blue eyes. But the most shocking revelation -- at least for Alt-Right News -- was that he had a mullet, a form of hairstyle associated with various rock and pop musicians of the 1980s and early 90s, including Billy Ray Cyrus, Michael Bolton, and Joe Elliot out of Def Leppard. Elliot is believed to be a close relation of the original Cheddar Man as he also comes from England.

Cyrus, Bolton, and Elliot -- gathering dust in most music collections.

Survival experts believe the mullet hairstyle helped Cheddar Man stay warm -- Britain was then much colder than it is today -- while also helping him hunt his prey by keeping hair out of his eyes. 

The political repercussions of the "first Briton" having a mullet are of course enormous, and strengthen the case that only people with extremely dated CD collections should be allowed to be citizens of the UK, despite many different and better hairstyles having emerged in the period since the 1980s and the 8080s B.C.

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In other news, it was revealed that the first modern humans to live in Jerusalem were Black, leading to calls to give the area back to Sub-Saharan Africans.