Rather than mapping out a sensible return to normality, British PM Boris Johnson in his latest broadcast instead insisted that the coronavirus lockdown would continue indefinitely. He also said that it would "transition" into what he called "the thousand year NHS Reich."
"It is now almost two months since the people of this country began to put up with restrictions on their freedom - your freedom - of a kind that we have never seen before in peace or war," Johnson began his speech, adding, "That leaves just another 11,998 months before we hit our government targets of 1000 years."
Flanked by masked NHS staff eating plates of biscuits, Britain's "eternal leader" (because Labour have zero chance of ever getting elected) then mentioned the heroic fallen of the Coronavirus campaign.
"Though the death toll has been tragic, and the suffering immense, and though we grieve for all those we have lost," he said fumbling for his onion, "it is a fact that by adopting those measures we prevented this country from being engulfed by what could have been a catastrophe in which the reasonable worst case scenario was six gorillion fatalities."
Deputy Fuhrer Dominic Raab then leaped to his feet and shouted with a heavily Central European accent:
"Boris ist der NHS! Der NHS ist Britain! Britain ist Boris und der NHS ist Britain! Sieg Heil an ambulance!"
A carefully selected audience of Karens standing 6.5 feet apart then chanted "Stay alert! Stay alert!" and donned face masks in unison.
Johnson then outlined his plans for turning the entire UK into a giant hospital ship, where anyone disobeying the lockdown restrictions would be force-fed castor oil and receive a large suppository.
"Right now, as I speak to you, the concentration camps are being built for all those who disrespect the NHS," he ominously warned. "So, this Thursday when we have have Clap for Carers remember that the first person to stop clapping will be immediately shot or put on an extremely long waiting list for a kidney transplant -- whichever one will be more fatal."
He then addressed the question of the economic impact of the Covid-19 shutdown:
"There are millions of people who are both fearful of this terrible disease, and at the same time also fearful of what this long period of enforced inactivity will do to their livelihoods and their mental and physical wellbeing.
I believe that as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, there is only one thing to do -- to declare the Thousand Year NHS Reich and send the riot police into the parks, country lanes, and beaches of our magnificent islands to beat the hell out of anyone breaking the curfew.
After all nothing more important than protecting our sacred NHS."
According to the new measures announced by Johnson, NHS flags will be flown instead of Union Jacks, nurses will get first pick when biscuit tins are opened, and all TV channels will be converted into Tik-Tok video streams of medical staff dancing in order to maintain "national morale."
"Before these purely temporary emergency measures can be reversed and your freedoms restored," Johnson concluded, "we must see the death rate staying at zero permanently."
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