NORMAL DAY AT FACEBOOK: 50 MILLION ACCOUNTS BREACHED

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg

In yet another normal day at Facebook, the social media company has told users not to panic again after it was revealed that some 50 million accounts may have been compromised by a security flaw, as usual. 

The totally normal, run-of-the-mill problem occurred when hackers exploited a trio of software flaws to steal "access tokens," using the "view as" feature. These are equivalent of digital keys that enable people to automatically log back into the social network. 

But then this is the sort of thing that happens at Facebook all the time anyway.

The perfectly normal abuse of privacy and personal security was revealed on Friday, when Facebook announced that up to 50 million accounts may have been breached by the hackers. But of course it could have been announced on any day of the week.

As people kind of know this sort of thing is happening all the time, the social network's efforts to convince users to trust it with their data suffered no real blow. I mean Facebook's reputation is already as low as it can go.

The social network said it is investigating the harm done, and may try to protect users' data by selling it to several criminal organisations and possibly China for safekeeping, while banning users for using hate speech words like "men," "women," and "bake the cake."

The company's chief executive Mark Zuckerberg drank a glass of water to show his sympathy with the Earthlings who use his service.

"We don't know if any accounts were actually misused," Zuckerberg said. "But if they were that's entirely not our fault because my home planet is about to be swallowed by a black hole, which is why I came to your puny planet, despite its low low-methane atmosphere and lack of radioactivity."

Facebook has now reset the 50 million breached accounts. This means users will need to sign back in using their passwords. Once that is done, the passwords will instantly be stored in a top secret file along with  DNA data, gathered from tiny flakes of skin that have fallen into the keyboard as you type. This will then be stored on a stick memory which will then be left on a window sill somewhere to cool. 

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