MILLENNIAL WOES ROUND-THE-CLOCK "COKE-WATCH" STARTS

Vlogger Millennial Woes (AKA Colin Robertson) identifies as a "recovering homosexual," a man who is "in transition" between being gay and being straight. A few short years ago he even openly boasted about how much gay sex he had when he was younger.

Woesy's enormous fanbase tends to take a generous attitude to their hero's "romantic failings," but most of them wish him well on his epic journey to hetero-normative masculinity.

However, there is always the doubt that he may stumble just before the finishing line and fall off the wagon, in the process going "cock mad" in a desperate "gay frenzy" to make up for all the gay sex he has denied himself over the years. 

But how can his loyal fans know how close to the "Gay Apocalypse" Millennial Woes is? 

Well, luckily there is a very simple way. It is connected to how much Coke he drinks -- especially out of bottles.

Yes, it really is that simple. In his now famous "loads of cock" confession it is noticeable that he takes a heavy swig from a bottle of...wait for it...Coca Cola just before making his sordid revelation.

For Millennial Woes the classic, streamlined black Coke bottle is a potent metaphor for his barely suppressed desire for the male member. Indeed, it is something he has openly "eroticised" in countless posts on social media: 

Yes, there definitely is "SOMETHING different about it," especially for the likes of Millennial Woes! 

Even the women Woes has occasionally attempted to have relationships with over the years, like Lucy Brown, tend to be "cock" shaped -- or at least have arms like builders.

Woes using a "male fluffer" in order to get a stiffie on for "Big Lucy."

At this time of year, Woes is in particular danger of losing his tenuous grip on heterosexuality.

Due to the stress of doing 64 live streams on the trot -- many of them with attractive gay men like Greg Johnson -- as part of his "Millenniyule" get-togethers, his fragile masculinity is in danger of cracking. 

For this reason loyal fans arrange an around-the-clock "Coke Watch" to make sure he isn't swigging too "lustily" from the phallic-shaped Coca-Cola bottle, as he asks his guests for their takes on the vax mandates and the "Great Replacement." 

If he looks like he's getting too much pleasure from that or starts to "deep throat" the bottle while grunting, they are under orders to make an emergency phone call to Milo Yianoppoulis, a formerly gay man who has completely recovered from lusting after penises.

Milo is then "under contract" to rush round to Woesy's house, which is conveniently located just around the corner, and give him mouth-to-mouth infusions of heterosexuality while driving out the "gay demons" by inserting a 12-inch statuette of the Virgin Mary deep into his body.