HEROIC TAJIKS BRAVELY DEFEND COUNTRY AGAINST HIPSTER INVASION

Death by social media

It is too late for most of us. We have already been invaded by the vile scourge of Hipsters, with their bicycle helmets, constant social media-ing, and arcane tastes in coffee, kelp, and artisanal toilet paper. 

But some areas still remain intact from this terrible plague that threatens to turn all life on Planet Earth into an endless round of pointless moral signalling and fake attempts at being "authentic" all posted on Twitter and Facebook. 

But luckily there are still heroic men who are prepared to make a stand and defend the Hipster-free World from further Hipster incursions, as we see in the heart-warming story of five brave young Tajiki men, who, while going about their innocent business of kababbing in a Kebab Land, were suddenly confronted by the horror of four full-grown Hipsters attired in their disgusting bicycle gear invading their pristine land in search of "social media" updates to signal how global-homo they were.  

NIMBY

Without a thought for their own safety, they quickly responded and did what had to be done, as reported by the New York Times:

The men’s Daewoo sedan passes the cyclists and then makes a sharp U-turn. It doubles back, and aims directly for the bikers, ramming into them and lurching over their fallen forms. In all, four people were killed: Mr. Austin, Ms. Geoghegan and cyclists from Switzerland and the Netherlands.

Some have tried to present this story as the brutal killing of innocent cyclists by hateful locals, possibly spurred on by the "Religion of Peace." But the facts are undeniable -- two of the four invaders were Hipsters of an unquestionably toxic level. 

Jay Austin and Lauren Geoghegan had begun their social media documented road trip in July 2017, after quitting their SWPL-ly jobs because they had "grown tired of the meetings and teleconferences, of the time sheets and password changes." 

Wow, how many likes did that status update get?

The couple clearly believed in showing everyone who knew them how "spiritual" they were, even though it is obvious that they were merely dead-eyed, Trump-hating Millennials, who thought they knew better than everyone else:

“There’s magic out there, in this great big beautiful world,” wrote Austin in one of his vile tweets, shortly before jacking his job in, which just proves he was overpaid to begin with. 

Over the next several months, the couple blazed a slimy slug trail of social media pretension, desecrating several authentic cultures along the way, just so they could generate "likes" and "reposts" from their facile audience of fellow bugmen.  

Some horrific examples are included in the NYT piece: 

On Day 319 of their journey, a Kazakh man stopped his truck, said hello and handed them ice cream bars. In a meadow where they had pitched their tent on Day 342, a family showed up with stringed instruments and treated them to an open-air concert. And on Day 359, two pigtailed girls met them at the top of a pass in Kyrgyzstan with a bouquet of flowers.

Notice the innocent locals slowly being drawn into their vile web of self-awareness and narcissism. Just imagine the harm these dangerous individuals could have done if they had been allowed to further contaminate these innocent people, leading traditional lives, with their social media narcissism, feminism, and bugmen obsessions with antique tools, beard combs, and male knitting.

As usual in these tragic cases, there were early warning signs that Austin was a toxic hipster that could have led to preventative action:

With his own hands, he built a house, nicknamed “The Matchbox,” that was so small — just 140 square feet — that it was profiled on numerous TV shows. To free up space, the walls were constructed with built-in magnets, so that he could store metal objects by sticking them to the paneling, like his spice collection.

This kind of self-obsessed, look-at-me novelty shit is the mark of the hipster. Once they get a little attention for this kind of crap, then there is no stopping the tsunami of attention-seeking that can result. 

This can then spread out in all directions, powered by cheap flights, ultra-lite bicycles, helmet cams, and constant social media bothering, turning the rest of the World into a mere backdrop for their smug soy-latte fed faces, aglow with the vile narcissism of being special little snowflakes because they are about to get their heads kicked in half-way up a mountain in Central Asia.

Like everything else, the Greeks had a word for this: They called it hubris. We'll call it Hipster Hubris.