MIDDLE CLASS WANKSTERISM NO LONGER A CRIME IN THE U.K.

Sage Willoughby, Rhian Graham, Milo Ponsford and 

Jake Skuse (yes, those are their actual names)

In a landmark case in the UK, it has been decided that being a middle class wanker is no longer a crime. 

Previously the crime was punishable by a severe flogging or a simple "duffing up" followed by extradition to the colonies or suburbs.

But now, thanks to a decision at Bristol Crown Court, middle class wankers will be allowed to walk the streets in perfect freedom and irritate normal people as much as they want. 

The four defendants, with particularly annoying middle class names, celebrated as the court reached its landmark decision. The defendants, known as the "ColstonFour" had been accused of the pointless middle class crime of supporting an ethnic grievance culture that they don't actually associate with in their private lives, and destroying a monument in a "chronocentric manner" that entirely disregarded its deep historical context.

As reported by the BBC:

Four people accused of illegally removing a statue of Edward Colston have been cleared of criminal damage.

Sage Willoughby, Rhian Graham, Milo Ponsford and Jake Skuse were charged after a monument to the 17th Century slave trader was pulled down and thrown into Bristol's harbourside last June.

It happened during a Black Lives Matter protest in the city.

Loud cheers erupted in the public gallery of Bristol Crown Court as the verdicts were returned.

The four defendants celebrated their new freedom to be total middle class tosspots by donning a pretentious, low-energy T-shirt design phoned in by fake radical-chic artist Wanksy. 

The uninspired design shows a stencil of the toppled statue's plinth (representing about 45 seconds of work by Wanksy before being handed off to one of his unpaid interns to knock off):

T-shirt design by Wanksy

The four middle class wankers then appeared before the assembled press with a virtuoso display of middle class wankery as they "wanksplained" their actions:

Mr Willoughby denied they were trying to edit history, but said others were "whitewashing history" by calling Colston a "virtuous man".

"We didn't change history, we rectified it," he said.

"This is a victory for Bristol, this is a victory for racial equality and it's a victory for anybody who wants to be on the right side of history." 

"Imagine having a Hitler statue in front of a Holocaust survivor - I believe they are similar. Having a statue of someone of that calibre in the middle of the city I believe is an insult..."