Thursday, 28 January 2021

TIME POLICE ARREST THE YEAR "2016" AFTER COMPLAINTS FROM THE KALI YUGA


The Time Police have apparently arrested the year 2016 for crimes against "the natural downward flow of things" after a complaint by the Kali Yuga.

The Kali Yuga, which is part of the Grand Cycle of Time, complained that 2016 was "being difficult" and distorting an otherwise smooth transition into "soul-crushing darkness" and "infinite chaos" by employing too many memes, some of which were ironic. 

There were also complaints from the European Union and an American entity known only as "The Swamp," backing up the Kali Yuga and blaming the year 2016 for "anti-chronological" activities, like Brexit and the construction of some border fences near Mexico. 

A statement released by the Chief of the Time Police Jughead Jones from Archie Comics said: 

"I take all these ironic memes that reversed the flow of time rather personally, as my own comic was totally boring and unfunny, and I wasn't even the main character."


As part of a joint sting operation, the Time Police also took internet troll Ricky Vaughn into custody for the comparatively minor crime of misstating the date of the 2016 election in an attempt to trick Hillary voters into going to the polls a few days late. 

Some of the bad "good stuff" that occurred in 2016.

"Although this is a comparatively minor offence that happened a long time ago, we cannot let anyone play around with the 4th dimension in this cavalier way," Time Police Chief Jones said. "It is really important that we get the cosmos back on course for its grim descent into the infinite darkness so that Lord Shiva can finally come back to punish and cleanse the world."

Lord Shiva himself was unavailable for comment.

The lawyer for year 2016 said that his client was totally innocent of the charges leveled by the Kali Yuga, and that 2015 had just as many spicy and dangerous memes resisting the descent into darkness. He also said it was unfair to blame his client for Brexit because that didn't even happen until 2020.  

"It is just not fair that my client has become a kind of scapegoat for all the unscheduled positive vibes that have happened in the last few years", he told reporters from the Times, the New York Times, and the Daily Chronicle. "I am hoping to delay and postpone these trials, possibly eternally."

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