THE ROYAL PLAN TO DEAL WITH ANDY'S SEX DRIVE: CRACKERS AND LEECHES?

Recently Prince Andrew got into trouble due to his sex drive. This is something that has repeatedly caused him embarrassment over the years. The recent $10 million dollar payment to Virginia Giuffre has been a major humiliation for the Royal Family, but temporarily solves the problem during the Queen's Platinum Jubilee year.

But what about the long-term problem of Prince Andrew's sexual cravings?

There are some at the Palace who assume that Andrew, who is now 61, will "slow down" with age. But this is far from certain. It is well known that men of his age still have prodigious sexual appetites, with some of them even waking up in the morning with hard wood between their legs (at least until they've emptied their bladders). Andrew is clearly among this group. 

Following the loss of $10 million dollars, plus lawyers fees, the Royal Family is unlikely to be complacent about this matter, so it is almost certain that measures have been taken to deal with the Prince's clearly "above average" sexual cravings, although what these measures are will obviously remain cloaked in secrecy.

Trad New's royalty experts, however, have come to the conclusion that the Prince is being treated using traditional methods.

These include being put on a strict diet of Graham Crackers, while also being treated with leeches.

Graham Crackers were invented in 1829 by a Presbyterian minister named Sylvester Graham, who believed that flavorful food aroused the senses, including the sexual urges. Due to their complete lack of flavour, Graham Crackers are thought to greatly suppress the sexual appetite. 

Presbyterian minister and dietary reformer Sylvester Graham

Being bled by leeches is another traditional treatment for "royal concupiscence," another term for Andrew's condition.

It is believed that excessive sexual desire comes from too much sensation in the "engorged member," a royal codeword for a raging bloated stiffie. By judiciously applying leeches, it is believed possible to remove "sexual toxins" in the Prince's blood and thus reduce his sex drive even more.