KATE SPADE TAKES HER FINAL MEASUREMENTS

Hanging around in High Fashion

Kate Spade's suicide is the latest in what CNN calls, “a tragic and disturbing recurrence of high-profile fashion designers who have hanged themselves.”

Her body, dressed to kill, was discovered by her maid, Consuela. It is not known if she cleaned out Ms. Spade’s walk-in closet, which was has been reported to be at least one square acre in size. Consuela admitted Ms. Kate’s demise was “muy triste.”

Apparently, Coach’s bid to buy her out last year for $2.4 billion did not bring comfort nor protect her against the slings and arrows of aging, a condition known to afflict all of humanity but which impacts those in the fashion world particularly severely.

Ms. Spade had been suffering from anxiety and depression, walking aimlessly on Madison Avenue telling passers-by that she couldn’t fit her cellphone, or anything else, into her bag. It is hoped that her casket designer will have more of an eye to practicality, especially as it is rumoured that Ms. Spade was packing on the pounds in recent years. 

Since 2010, two other celebrity designers have killed themselves in a similar way: Alexander McQueen in 2010 and L'Wren Scott in 2014.

Scott was the lover of aging rocker Mick Jagger for many years. It is not known who had more plastic surgeries.

A spokesman for Mick Jagger said that the singer was genuinely shocked and devastated by the news even though he had trouble remembering who she was. He admitted that she could “make a dead man come,” which is true for most of his current girlfriends.

McQueen, who had hanged himself nearly a decade ago, had been tragically unable to withstand the loss of his mother, who had died a mere few days earlier. Rumors that he had placed her in his fruit cellar after watching “Psycho” were dismissed as malicious nonsense.

He had poured out his grief in a 140 character “tweet” that reached millions of his admirers. He timed the event to coincide with the beginning of Fashion Week, with his signature dramatic flair. His wife, Isabella Blow, also committed suicide.

Tom Ford described him as being a “marshmallow” in person: “adorable, charming and kind.” Certainly, a profound sentiment from Ford, in sharp contrast with the many shallow minds within the fashion industry.

McQueen struggled with his looks (hating his teeth and his fluctuating weight), which of course no longer trouble him now that he is dead. Posing besides anorexics like Kate Moss for years may have compounded his complexes.

All of them were relatively young; though at 40 or 50, many would consider them dinosaurs.

In a world obsessed with appearance and beauty—where 100 pounds is considered obscenely obese—such suicidality can only be ascribed to the vanity and narcissism that are rampant in the fashion world.

It is rumored that Ms. Spade had used another designer’s scarf to hang herself. It is not known whether this constitutes an endorsement. Donna Karan would not comment.

Not all fashion icons do themselves in, however.

Gianni Versace was spectacularly murdered by his estranged lover Andrew Cunanan, known in private circles as “Bang Cock” in 1997.

Yves Saint-Laurent died of brain cancer with dignity at a ripe old age. He married his cat Berbert shortly before expiring. Luckily, the corpse was removed before the hungry kitty struck. Karl Lagerfeld is still alive, loved ones allege, though they aren’t quite sure.

Coco Chanel and Hugo Boss also enjoyed relatively long lives, eons in the fashion world, despite their infatuation with German politics in the ‘30s.