FRANKEN MAKES BID FOR SAINTHOOD WITH ASS-GRABBING RESIGNATION SPEECH

The laying on of hands.

In a move designed to increase pressure on Roy Moore, the Republican Senate candidate leading the polls in Alabama, Al Franken, the Democrat Senator for Minnesota, has resigned. 

Both men face a number of allegations of sexual misconduct, all of which are unproved claims by various women or anonymous sources, and which, in the case of Moore, go back 40 years. In fact the only clear piece of evidence in either case is a now famous photograph of Franken in a "boob grab" pose with a sleeping woman, clearly meant as a joke.

However, it is hoped in Democrat circles that Franken's resignation in the face of these allegations will give the equally unproved allegations against Moore extra weight in the days before the Senate vote in Alabama and lead to a Democrat victory. Meanwhile, Franken is almost certain to be replaced as Minnesota Senator by another Democrat, meaning that the Democrats could gain a Senate seat from playing the two scandals in this way.

But, although Franken's resignation can only be read as an admission of his guilt, his resignation speech presented a quite a different picture -- one of almost saintly innocence, in which he was the victim: 

"Over the last few weeks, a number of women have come forward to talk about how they felt my actions had affected them. I was shocked. I was upset."

Poor guy! Far from admitting to being a pervert and an ugly motherfucker who forced himself on women -- including tongues -- Franken implied that he was only in this position because of his extreme deference to all women:

"Because all women deserve to be heard and their experiences taken seriously. I think that was the right thing to do. I also think it gave some people the false impression that I was admitting to doing things that in fact I haven't done. Some of the allegations against me are simply not true. Others I remember very differently. I said at the outset that the ethics committee was the right venue for these allegations to be heard and investigated and evaluated on their merits. That I was prepared to cooperate fully and that I was confident in the outcome."

He then used his butt-grabbing resignation speech to present himself as the greatest champion of women in the World, ever:

"I am proud that during my time in the Senate, I have used my power to be a champion of women. And that I have earned a reputation as someone who respects the women I work alongside every day."

In fact, the only reason he was resigning, he claimed, was because all the "lies" about him made it difficult to give all his energy to his day-to-day job of walking on water, curing the lame, and giving sight to the blind.

"Let me be clear. I may be resigning my seat, but I am not giving up my voice. I will continue to stand up for the things I believe in as a citizen and as an activist. But Minnesotans deserve a senator who can focus with all her energy on addressing the challenges they face every day."

Oddly for a Democrat, he then ended his speech by claiming that Minnesotans are a special master race as high above normal humans as a god is above insects:

"When I'm home, I am blown away by how much Minnesota has to offer the entire country and the entire world. The people I had the honor of representing are brilliant and creative and hardworking and whoever holds this seat next will inherit the challenge I have enjoyed for the last 8.5 years being as good as the people you serve."