DIRTY DOSSIER OF "SEX SECRETS" ROCKS TORY PARTY

Some bright spark in the UK Conservative Party had the brilliant idea of putting together a list of all the minor sexual misdemeanours of various Conservative MPs. Now that list has been leaked to the media. We produce the whole list below with all the names of the MPs involved and the often cryptic references to their sexual peccadilloes:

Name	Position	Claim
Damien Green	First Secretary of state	Ashley Madison + handsy at parties
Dan Poulter		Impregnated former researcher and made her have abortion + had other female researchers (Gornalf)?
Andrew Mitchell		Inappropriate with women, including interviews + paid a female to be quiet
Stephen Crabb		Sexual relations with SpAd and inappropriate with women
Matt Hancock	Minister of State, DCMS	Sexual relations with member of his private office
Boris Johnson	Foreign Secretary	NDA between him and Danielle Fleet (Philip Davies' researcher)
Mark Garnier	DIT Minister	Inappropriate with women, asked PA to buy sex toys
David Morris		Inappropriate with female and male staff + Alexandra Swan
Michael Fallon	Defence Secretary	Odd sexual penchants and sexual with fellow MP Mike Freer - a drunk
George Hollingbery	PPS to PM	Handsy with women
Nigel Adams	Whip	Sexual relations with Robert Halfon's researcher Emily Burditt and others
Conor Burns		Inappropriate with male researchers + Augustine Chipungu
Charlie Elphicke		Inappropriate with female researchers
Nigel Evans		Inappropriate with male researchers - long history
Guy Opperman	Minister, DWP	Nicknamed Guy "Copperfeel + handsy with females
Jake Berry	Minister, DCLG	Impregnated Alice Robinson
Justin Tomlinson		Dates his researcher Catherine Bennet
Bob Stewart		Perpetually intoxicated and very inappropriate with women
Chris Heaton Harris	Whip	Inappropriate with female researchers + handsy in taxis
Chris Pincher	Whip	Inappropriate with male researchers and heavy drinker + touched Tom Blenkinsop
Michael Fabricant		Inappropriate with male journalist in a taxi
Michael Ellis	Deputy Leader	Takes his personal trainer to the Cinema and to private rooms at Carlton
Robert Halfon		Inappropriate with female researchers and Alexandra Paterson + Dickinson at EIC
John Whittingdale		Inappropriate with female researchers + uses prostitutes for odd sexual acts
Liz Truss	Chief Sec	Fornicated with male researchers whilst backbench MP + sexual relations with Kwasi Kwarteng
Daniel Kawczynski		Inappropriate with male researchers
John Hayes	Transport Minister	Inappropriate with female private office staff
Liam Fox	DIT Secretary	Adam Werritty
Alan Mak		Inappropriate with female researchers and journalist + asked to take 3 female aides on holiday
Claire Perry	Transport Minister	Inappropriate with male MPs after and pre-divorce
Chris Skidmore	Cab Office Minister	Inappropriate with females (redacted)?
Rory Stewart	DEF? + FCO Minister	Asked female researcher to do odd things (Sophie Bolsover)
Steve Double		Affair with female researcher who was married to journalist at his local paper
Will Wragg		Video exists of three males urinating on him
Dom Raab	Justice minister	Injunction for inappropriate behavior with a woman
Grant Shapps		Affair
Nicholas Soames		Inappropriate with female researchers
Mark Menzies		Known to have used male prostitutes
Amber Rudd	Home Secretary	Workplace relationships with Kwasi Kwarteng (PPS to the Chancellor)
Alun Cairns	Welsh Secretary	Likes to have intercourse with men who are wearing women's perfume (recently came out)

Now that homosexuality and interracial sex are no big deals in the UK, almost none of these so-called "scandals" are big enough on their own to merit much media attention, although the video of three men urinating on Will Wragg may raise a few eyebrows even in our benighted age.

But the fact is that most of the people on the list are just accused of "inappropriate behaviour," whatever that means these days. This could be anything from wearing one's socks during intercourse to serving the wrong aperitifs before a bondage session. 

No newspaper today would find much mileage in any of these scandals on their own. But put them all together in one big list and then leak it, and things change. Suddenly the story develops "critical mass" by becoming "systemic" and "symbolic," and the media now has a target for what would have been just so many "so what?" stories. 

Whoever came up with this list must therefore have been either a moron or a genius. In fact, given the destabilising effect this list could have on the UK government, which already has the slimmest of majorities in Parliament, we are firmly in conspiracy theory territory. 

Is this ultimately some clever scheme to thwart Brexit? Or else is it an attempt to take the wind out of the sails of the Prime Minister's main challenger, Boris Johnson, who makes an appearance on the list for ancient and now forgotten offences? 

Who knows? All that is clear is that this list gives the media a useful frame to dredge up every petty little sex scandal involving a Conservative MP. In short, it makes Tory sex scandals into a kind of viral meme.

Already one of those named, Sir Michael Fallon, has resigned as Minister of Defence. His offence? "Odd sexual penchants and sexual with fellow MP Mike Freer - a drunk," according to the dossier. Does this mean he was bisexual or that he merely "teamed up" with Mike Freer to hunt pussy together? Don't worry, the media will get round to telling us.

In other news, he also shocked the nation by putting his hand on a woman's knee 15 years ago!

This is fast becoming a ridiculous mini "House of Cards" farce. The US "House of Cards" series was of course based on a British TV series of the same name, staring the great Ian Richardson. It looks now like it's coming home.